Ако еволюцията на човека беше приключила, майките нямаше да са само с две ръце.
In the first book this chick appears and declares: „I’m Bella Swan. Yes, that’s totally real name. I just moved in here to the Forks.“ And then she meets Edward and thinks: „This one here is a boner.” And he thinks: „Ah, I’ll kill her.“ But then she is stumbles cause she’s very clumsy in all the books, and the he says: „And now I love you.“ And they embrace, but not very much cause, you know, he’s very strong and poisonous, and she is a loony loser and brittle as a nut biscuit. And then he takes her to the mountains and states: „By the way, I’m super fictional, mysterious and mega-cool vampire. And I sparkle in the sunlight.“ She just blinks and sighs, cause she already knows, cause she read many books and googled. And the chick’s not afraid and says: „Dude, I’m a sheep and you’re a lion, and we’re in love.“ And then they love each other, but carefully, cause otherwise she will die, if she doesn’t stumble on her own beforehand, and he is virgin and has no idea how to deal with her. But there is another, second first book where Edward thinks a lot about the things. And the guy is kinda nervous, because of 100 years of virginity and then he’s like “will kill her, will love her”, but thanks there’s another first book, otherwise we’ll never know did he kill her, did he love her…
In the second book, Bella turns 18 and develops complex she’s aging and her boyfriend the super-duper-cool vampire was frozen on 17 pristine hundred years ago. And then his super-duper-cool vampire family organizes kinda party for the chick’s birthday and they are very cool because they only drink animal blood, and have little sickly yellowish faces and crazy eyes. But then, cause Bella is still a clumsy loser and her own hands betray her, she cuts her finder on a packaging of a gift, which we never found out what it is anyway, and then she daubs the white carpet with blood, cause there’s a lot of blood pouring around out of the half-blood finger. And then one of the super-duper-cool vampire relatives of Edward grins and jumps at the chick to eat her, but her magical boyfriend magic that sparkles in the sunlight stops him and then he looks at Bella very odd and walks out in slow motion, thinking something we, the mortals, will never understand. And then he wears very cool designer suit, and Bella is with a yellow nylon trashy mop and he takes her for a walk in the forest and then he says: „I love you too much, but you’re a muffin and I’m leaving.“ And then Bella hampers again in kinda branch and she’s to die in the woods, but then this wolf with large eyes comes and saves the chick from misery. And then they become BFF with an Indian dude and he loves to walk naked to the waist, shirtless. And then the Indian pal tells her he loves the chick very much too and, by the way, he’s an Indian werewolf. But he wasn’t werewolf before, but now he is, cause there’s some redhead pussy chasing our chick Bella to kill her, cause in the first book Edward killed her dude and she’s now seriously pissed off. And then our chick Bella decides to jump from a cliff, cause she wants to see again Edward’s sparkling face, but is saved once again from the Indian Wolverine and then comes the super-duper-Cool vampire sister of Edward and she takes our chick to Italy, cause Edward turned blue and his abdomen is purple and hairy and wants to reveal himself there at the sun to some dudes with red cloaks and he’s like to die too. And then they still love each other, cause it was just a misunderstanding in the forest, because of the yellow trashy mop that Bella does not wear anymore. And then the sun lights up Edward’s sparkling face and he says to Bella let’s marry. And she just hiccups and we do not know what’s happening now.
In the third book the Indian werewolf and the sparkling vampire dude show no love to one another. There ain’t love in the air between the two dudes. And then in Seattle some murders are happening, but the police can’t do a thing, cause the luminous boyfriend knows that those are some newborn vampire dudes. And Bela splits her personality between the Indian werewolf, who is very hot and has no shirt for a whole book already, and the illuminated magical vampirised boyfriend with the fancy-pansy designer clothes. But then comes again the redhead pussy to kill Bella and they all go camping. And then Bella is very cold, but the Mr. Wolverine biceps is very warm, and he heats her up. And then he blackmails her to kiss and it was clear that the clumsiness and being a loser is what prevented our chick Bella to capture she is in love with the Wolverine here. It’s a bit embarrassing, but then comes the redhead with some dude, who loves the redhead very much, but she gives no shit about him and they start fighting there with another werewolf and the luminous vampire boyfriend. And then this other guy, the new redhead’s boyfriend, loses limbs and ultimately eventually dies. But Bella, who we already know is much of a loser and doesn’t follow the whole fight action there, thinks: „Why I don’t just help my dude by cutting my arm with this stone here?“ And she cuts her hand again and there’s a lot of spurt blood and then redhead chick loses her head. Then Edward does campfire with purple smoke. And then everything goes alright, cause there are only ten pages to the end of the book and there’s no time and then Bella’s tells the Wolverine fitness dude: „I’ll marry this vampire dude here”, and the Wolverine guy is about to vomit and hates our chick Bella and runs away from home.
In the fourth book Bella chases Edward to marry, cause our chick also wants to shine in the sun and go vampire, but actually what the chick’s after is sex. And then he drags her to some island and they make much sex everywhere. And then Bella is very happy, but because she’s all with bruisers, Edward tells her no more sex for her, while the chick is still nut biscuit. And then she cries a river and dreams colorful kids and purple smoke and is very afraid. But Edward’s angels are pussies and he gives up and then they make a lot of sex again. And then suddenly, Bella becomes very, very pregnant and keeps eating fried eggs to burst. But the chicks is like “I’m gonna die”, cause the baby is kinda demon somehow. And then the Wolverine dude goes bossy and says to the other werewolves they should not fuck up with Bella and the super-duper-cool vampire dudes. And then Bella, because it’s already clear she’s the clumsy loser, does something weird with her hands and feet and starts giving birth just like that and then the chick dies. But Edward the luminous one sticks her with one syringe vintage selected poison and Bella goes vampirised. And then they have this child, half-luminous, half human. And then Bella and her husband make a lot of shining vampire sex and they crush some houses and furniture. And then the baby grows up and says: „Guys, did you really named me Renesme?“ But there is no time to think, cause some very bad vampire vermins from Italy are coming to kill our dudes, cause there’s a whole book almost with no death threats yet and still nobody tried to pop off our chick Bella. But then the super-duper-cool vampire dudes and the Indian werewolves bring a whole gang of other sparkling vampire dudes and they beat the bad Italian gringos. And then Bella is the hero of the day, because finally she is not clumsy, but even helps. And finally the sparkling dude and our vampirised chick love again, but the Indian werewolf pees over the baby and says „Spotted, I’ll be marrying this one Renesme here” and the super-duper-cool sparkling parents are not happy of this fact, but still there are just dozen pages to the end of the book and they say: „Well, as long as there’s love and the young ones love each other…“